Aside from trying to get my work done, I’ve been researching meetings and outpatient groups. My insurance apparently covers a limited amount of outpatient group therapy so I think it might be wise to take advantage of it. I ate a healthy salad for lunch, took my vitamin, did my sublingual B12 drops, and am generally taking good care of myself today aside from the Diet Coke I’m about to drink and while I know they aren’t healthy, the soda police can go and fuck themselves. At least for now.
Aside from the care and attention I am showing myself, my brain has decided to be off and on ridiculous:
- I got a message from a friend that made me very happy and my first instinct was to get a drink tonight because I was happy right now. The two have nothing to do with one another but just the simple emotions of excitement and joy triggered an urge to drink. If I were to tell this to a “normal” person, I would surely sound insane.
- I’ve checked my I Am Sober app multiple times today in hopes that maybe there would be more days on there than 7 since the last time I looked an hour before.
- I had a brief anxiety attack when I thought about my wedding day and not being able to drink to celebrate. I’m not even engaged and there is no wedding coming anytime soon.
- Realized I would be home alone one night this week and immediately started planning my drinking and how I would conceal it once the BF got home. This was maybe a 3-5 second chain of thoughts that I immediately squashed but I was shocked how quickly I forgot about sobriety.
I’m also taking stock of how I feel physically. Random aches and pains that come and then go. Feel incredibly tired and foggy. When I walked outside to grab lunch, everything seemed ridiculously bright and blinding. I could tell that it was a pretty day and that the normal response should be, “Wow. It’s so lovely out.” But to me, it was blinding and assaulting to my senses.
I haven’t felt anything that makes me worry that I might drink. So far everything has been very manageable and my logic continues to win over the insane thinking. I know that it’s only a matter of time before I encounter a hurdle not so easily able to be cleared which makes me very on edge and hyperaware and stressed out.
It’s really interesting because I’ve gone periods of days, even weeks without drinking before and never noticed some of the things I’m noticing now. The difference between those brief stretches of unmonitored sobriety and what I’m experiencing now is that during those times I wasn’t not drinking with the intent of not drinking forever. Somehow the choice of perpetual abstinence shifts the mind in a way that makes it all seem so much more scary than it did when you just didn’t drink for a week. I suppose the knowledge that you would soon have a drink and end the sober stretch was enough to put the mind at ease. Now there is no end to the sober stretch. It’s forever. And that’s terrifying.