Fell asleep listening to old episodes of The Bubble Hour. Love all of those women and think Amanda sounds like the coolest person in the world.

Cue scary music and thunder.

The dream started out TOTALLY normal. I was having dinner at Oprah’s house (as you do) and my Chihuahua was sitting in a little carrier next to me. He was barking non-stop which annoyed me and is pretty strange because my Chihuahua hardly ever barks. He poops for days but doesn’t bark at all really. Let me talk about Oprah for a moment so we’re on the same page here. While she WAS Oprah, she didn’t LOOK LIKE Oprah at all. Her eyes were extremely large and alien like and she laughed at everything that happened even though nothing was funny. Sort of like The Barefoot Contessa on The Food Network does as she force feeds bruschetta to all of her rich gay friends.

So… “Oprah” was staring at me and I noticed her mouth was moving and the voices of the hosts of The Bubble Hour were coming out of her mouth which struck me as odd but I was like, “Ok. Whatever, Oprah. We get it. You’re magic. You can do anything including talking like other people.” You know how sometimes sounds that are happening around you as you fall asleep somehow work their way into your dreams? Like maybe you’re  having a nice conversation with a talking pink zebra in your sleep and then your alarm goes off and it looks like the alarm sound is coming out of the zebra’s mouth as he talks to you? And you’re like, “What the fuck, pink Zebra? Why are you making that alarm sound with your mouth? Freak.” And the zebra is like, “BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ,” and then you finally wake up and realize it’s your alarm and not a zebra at all? And then you turn off your alarm still half asleep and think, “Fucking weird zebra.” It was like that, okay? But the voices of Amanda and guests were coming out of weird large eyed Oprah head. Not a zebra.

We were eating some kind of chicken dish and I noticed that it tasted a little boozey. I kind of shrugged it off as Oprah kept going on and on about being an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) and I was like SHUT UP OPRAH I’M EATING. RUDE. but she didn’t stop because the podcast was still playing in my ears but I didn’t know that. My dog kept barking so I gave him some of the chicken and let him out and he suddenly started acting like a drunk human. He was stumbling everywhere. And I was like, “Oh great. My dog is drunk now.”  I took more bites of chicken and it started tasting more and more like some sweet liquor. I pushed the plate away and asked for something else instead but it was too late. I was suddenly EXTREMELY drunk. It’s incredible how your mind can recreate feelings you’ve had before that aren’t actually happening at the time.

So I sat there terrified. I knew I was going to be in trouble somehow. Somewhere along the way, the woman playing Oprah in my dream was suddenly my mother but still looked like the same lady that was Oprah but I knew she was mom. I got really scared that she would be able to tell I was drunk so I started singing songs very loudly and my reasoning for doing that was to distract her with entertainment. I started slurring the words to some song I was singing but I don’t remember what song it was. I stopped and started talking about my dog a lot and picked him up and told Oprah Mother that he was drunk from the dinner and that he needed to go for a walk to get it out of his system. She got up and picked him up and took him outside but she was still talking about ACOA stuff but the volume got quieter as she walked out the front door.

I became very panicked and started running around the house opening cupboards looking for vodka. Oddly, even though my main fear was being drunk in front of my Oprah Mother, my first instinct was to scour the Oprah Mom’s house for more alcohol. I found a bottle of peach vodka and picked it up and Momprah started to come back into the house and I quickly hid the bottle and told her that the dog needed a longer walk than that. Duh. She left again and I tried to unscrew the lid to the bottle and it wouldn’t come off. I could tell that she was going to be back any second and just as I got the lid off and threw the bottle back to begin chugging, she walked in. I kept chugging anyway and thought FUCK IT and she kept talking and the dog kept barking. I drank the entire bottle and then my throat started to burn and I coughed a lot of it out and suddenly woke up from the dream with The Bubble Hour ladies still chatting in my ears.

Okay so the moral of the story is this: Don’t eat the food that your Oprah Mother feeds you because it is alcoholic and she wants you to relapse and probably don’t bring your dog to her house because it’s more trouble than it’s worth and maybe don’t chug a whole bottle of peach vodka because ouch. And turn off your headphones before falling asleep.



  1. Hi. I have been reading many sober blogs since I discovered Unpickled April 2. I have been enjoying the Bubble Hour episodes too. And I am so happy to discover your blog. It is really helpful to read something current, somebody who is going through early sobriety right now in the Spring of 2014. I am struggling to get my sobriety off the ground. The longest I went was April 27 to May 9 (13 Days) but then I caved to cravings on Saturday and Sunday so here I am at another Day 1. Your bog is so inspiring to me today. And after all that I have read in the past 6 weeks, I wanted you to know that this is my first comment because this entry made me laugh out loud and it felt so good to laugh! Thank you for your humorous account of your dream. I agree Amanda sounds so cool as do all the ladies of the Bubble Hour. I also enjoyed your “Crazy Things I’ve Said To My Partner” entry. During my last 6 of my 13 days of sobriety, after the initial excitement of making it a whole week, PAWS really got the best of me. Even though I knew what was happening – I had also recently listened to the Bubble Hour episode on PAWS – I could not control it and I was so irritable and angry. I wanted to scream at everyone, “Don’t you know what I am going through?!” Of course, nobody did because I had not told anyone but my husband I had stopped drinking and why would all the Moms I know think that it is a big deal anyway to not drink for 13 days?! They don’t know how much wine I drink at home after the kids are in bed; my friends have no idea! They would be shocked. So when I discovered Unpickled on April 2, and so many other sober blogs after that, it was like a revelation I cannot describe. I was so relieved to find others like me. And I have been reading blogs ever since, and joined the BFB (still have not commented), and have been listening to the Bubble Hour. I am finding comfort and hope that I am not alone. I am finding motivation that I can do this. I am finding amazing honesty out there from strangers like you, and the ladies of the Bubble Hour, and Mrs. D., and Belle, and The Sober Journalist, and Unpickled. I am relying so much on people who don’t even know I have been following their writing for 6 weeks because again this is the first time I have been brave enough to comment. I have been hiding in the shadows because I am afraid I can’t do this. And today I am angry with myself because I did cave on Saturday to the craving to drink and now here I am again on Monday morning feeling angry with myself, frustrated, and scared. And so I turned again to the blogs for inspiration and started with your first entry and got to this one and laughed out loud! I decided on this one I am going going to comment and say thank you. Thank you so much for giving me some humor today as I beat myself up over today being my new Day 1! Keep up the good writing and good luck in your dedicated work towards being sober. I am also reminded by your bog, and my recent failure that this is going to be work, but that does not mean we have to completely give up our sense of humor! Thanks for making me laugh on a day I really needed it. I am commenting anonymously and not sure if I will ever be brave enough to blog or comment with a name. But again, I wanted to say tell you how much I enjoy your writing and that you have helped me tremendously today.

    1. Wow. That means so much to know that other people can take something positive away from this blog as I go through all of this crazy shit! I really hope you keep reading and taking what you can from this. The past 29 days have not been easy. I find myself having to constantly focus on recovery. There is always a BH episode in my ear, an informative website up on my screen, a blog I’m scrolling through, etc. I have found that immersing myself in it has really made a difference this time. And I had so many starts and stops before this time just like you. I wish I could fast forward you to a time where your trying finally worked and lasted but I really don’t know what made this time the time that has stuck so far. I wish you (and me) the best! Looking forward to hearing from you again.

      1. Thank you! I will definitely keep reading your blog and others, continue to listen to the Bubble Hour, and follow the Booze Free Brigade. I know it is serious and hard work what you are doing; but thank you for writing in such an honest way that lets your sense of humor really shine through. It has been so good for me to laugh during this difficult time. Congrats on your 30 days and another excellent funny post from today. You are inspirational! I hope to be at 30 days on your Day 60.

  2. I’ll be your first comment on this….its friggin high~larious. Momprah. ‘Nuff said.

    BTW….I’m reading through your blog from the beginning….I’m here because I’ve just had enough of the drink/hungover/shame/drink cycle. Your posts hit so close to (my) home that I feel like you lifted some of that shit from my head. Or you were spying on me for ideas on how to drink on the dl. I’m following a couple other ladies blogs, and they’re great. It feels great to not be alone in this. I’m still struggling, and yet to have gone more then 5 days sober, but I’ll get there.

    1. I’m glad you say, “I’ll get there.” That kind of self-talk is so important. Keep saying it! Thanks so much for reading this and looking forward to hearing from you more and am excited for your future and eventual success with this nasty drinking thing.

  3. Again..this is so hard for me, I’m glad I’m not the only one who starts, and does good and feels great about it, then just pisses it away (or chuggs it down). I’m so tired of feeling shitty and bloated and not remembering the bulk of my Sundays…this is really hard for me because I can’t share my guilt and shame because I drink in secret. My husband, if he knew, he’d have a fit (prob because of broken trust). Hence…I’ve gotten REALLY good (or so I think) at acting sober while hammered. Its taking so much energy to hide, but staying sober after like day 3 took so much out of me that I just give in. Blah. Glad to know my shit feeling are not alone. Thank you so much!

  4. Momprah! OMFG! So so f’ing funny. I have had several dreams with BFB peeps in them. Not Oprah yet though, still waiting for that one!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s