Fell asleep listening to old episodes of The Bubble Hour. Love all of those women and think Amanda sounds like the coolest person in the world.
Cue scary music and thunder.
The dream started out TOTALLY normal. I was having dinner at Oprah’s house (as you do) and my Chihuahua was sitting in a little carrier next to me. He was barking non-stop which annoyed me and is pretty strange because my Chihuahua hardly ever barks. He poops for days but doesn’t bark at all really. Let me talk about Oprah for a moment so we’re on the same page here. While she WAS Oprah, she didn’t LOOK LIKE Oprah at all. Her eyes were extremely large and alien like and she laughed at everything that happened even though nothing was funny. Sort of like The Barefoot Contessa on The Food Network does as she force feeds bruschetta to all of her rich gay friends.
So… “Oprah” was staring at me and I noticed her mouth was moving and the voices of the hosts of The Bubble Hour were coming out of her mouth which struck me as odd but I was like, “Ok. Whatever, Oprah. We get it. You’re magic. You can do anything including talking like other people.” You know how sometimes sounds that are happening around you as you fall asleep somehow work their way into your dreams? Like maybe you’re having a nice conversation with a talking pink zebra in your sleep and then your alarm goes off and it looks like the alarm sound is coming out of the zebra’s mouth as he talks to you? And you’re like, “What the fuck, pink Zebra? Why are you making that alarm sound with your mouth? Freak.” And the zebra is like, “BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ,” and then you finally wake up and realize it’s your alarm and not a zebra at all? And then you turn off your alarm still half asleep and think, “Fucking weird zebra.” It was like that, okay? But the voices of Amanda and guests were coming out of weird large eyed Oprah head. Not a zebra.
We were eating some kind of chicken dish and I noticed that it tasted a little boozey. I kind of shrugged it off as Oprah kept going on and on about being an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) and I was like SHUT UP OPRAH I’M EATING. RUDE. but she didn’t stop because the podcast was still playing in my ears but I didn’t know that. My dog kept barking so I gave him some of the chicken and let him out and he suddenly started acting like a drunk human. He was stumbling everywhere. And I was like, “Oh great. My dog is drunk now.” I took more bites of chicken and it started tasting more and more like some sweet liquor. I pushed the plate away and asked for something else instead but it was too late. I was suddenly EXTREMELY drunk. It’s incredible how your mind can recreate feelings you’ve had before that aren’t actually happening at the time.
So I sat there terrified. I knew I was going to be in trouble somehow. Somewhere along the way, the woman playing Oprah in my dream was suddenly my mother but still looked like the same lady that was Oprah but I knew she was mom. I got really scared that she would be able to tell I was drunk so I started singing songs very loudly and my reasoning for doing that was to distract her with entertainment. I started slurring the words to some song I was singing but I don’t remember what song it was. I stopped and started talking about my dog a lot and picked him up and told Oprah Mother that he was drunk from the dinner and that he needed to go for a walk to get it out of his system. She got up and picked him up and took him outside but she was still talking about ACOA stuff but the volume got quieter as she walked out the front door.
I became very panicked and started running around the house opening cupboards looking for vodka. Oddly, even though my main fear was being drunk in front of my Oprah Mother, my first instinct was to scour the Oprah Mom’s house for more alcohol. I found a bottle of peach vodka and picked it up and Momprah started to come back into the house and I quickly hid the bottle and told her that the dog needed a longer walk than that. Duh. She left again and I tried to unscrew the lid to the bottle and it wouldn’t come off. I could tell that she was going to be back any second and just as I got the lid off and threw the bottle back to begin chugging, she walked in. I kept chugging anyway and thought FUCK IT and she kept talking and the dog kept barking. I drank the entire bottle and then my throat started to burn and I coughed a lot of it out and suddenly woke up from the dream with The Bubble Hour ladies still chatting in my ears.
Okay so the moral of the story is this: Don’t eat the food that your Oprah Mother feeds you because it is alcoholic and she wants you to relapse and probably don’t bring your dog to her house because it’s more trouble than it’s worth and maybe don’t chug a whole bottle of peach vodka because ouch. And turn off your headphones before falling asleep.