CRAZY SOBER THINGS I’VE SAID TO MY PARTNER IN THE PAST 24 DAYS

My poor partner has been getting an earful since I stopped drinking. I’m certain I sometimes sound crazy but that’s okay and he understands. I think.

• Turned on an episode of GIRLS and I said, “Oh my God! I totally remember what happened last time!!!!”
•  “Wow. Sunlight is so bright. Has it always been this bright?”
• “I love flowers. They’re so pretty. Don’t you think flowers are pretty?”
• “I was looking at a picture of the dog today at work and I cried a lot.”
• “Wow, I poop at the same time every single day now! It’s amazing!”
• “Life is all about living, you know? Like you have to live your life or you aren’t really living your life.”
• While reading a book, I said, “It’s so weird. I can’t believe this. I’m reading a book right now.”
• “So I’m sitting next to you right now. Back when I was drunk, did it feel like I was sitting next to you when I was sitting next to you? Do you know what I mean? Because I wasn’t sitting next to you. At all.”
• “Look at my eyes. The white parts are sooo white, right?”
• “I can’t go to the graduation party because too many people will be talking to me about too many things.”
• “I feel like gravity isn’t pulling me down as hard when I walk!”
• While at a restaurant I said, “Look at that couple eating and they only have glasses of water. So cool.”
• “It’s pretty great to wake up knowing that I didn’t tell someone, ‘FUCK YOU’ last night.”
• “I always know where my phone is. It’s so amazing.”
• “Ew. No. This cranberry juice tastes like vodka. I can’t.” (It was just cranberry juice)
• “Honey, look at me! I’m cooking dinner but I’m not drinking!!”
• “Do you ever drink water and think, ‘Wow, water is soooo good for my body’?”
• “I feel so normal right now! I can’t believe it.”
• “I need ME back! ME is gone! ME is lost! ME is disappeared somewhere and I don’t know where! How did I lose MEEE?? I just want MEEEEE.” (said while ugly crying in his arms)
• “I’m a soby soby soby soby soby sober daddy! Daddy is sober sober sober! You have sober daddy! Yeah yeah yeah.” (Or something to this effect that I sang to my dog while dancing around like I had the DT’s)
• “Jesus drank wine. But obviously he didn’t have a problem. I mean, I know for a fact that I would never have been able to walk on water back when I was drunk.”
• “I mean, I’m an alcoholic, sure. But it’s more like an Ann Richards alcoholism. Not the David Hasselhoff or Lindsay Lohan kind. I mean, I’m not the kind of asshole that eats hamburgers off the floor. But I could be I guess.”