Oh, how I envy normal drinkers. You know which assholes I’m talking about. They stand at the bars channeling the Dowager Countess of Grantham and savor their drink like it’s made of diamonds and is the last one in the entire world. They look fabulously put together and laugh politely and with such sophistication making sure to never show too much teeth and certainly never lose their balance while doing so. They don’t tell the bartender all about their former boyfriend’s crooked penis and their terrible bout of constipation that just won’t let up no matter how much fiber they eat. They don’t take pictures in photo booths with someone they just met and flash their man boobs as the camera snaps, forever immortalizing their desperate need to stop eating Twinkies and bacon. Also, normal drinkers do really INCREDIBLE and MAGICAL things such as not throwing up on one another’s private parts after heading home to have sex like two slippery sea lions that just got bashed over the head with frying pans. They totally know how to work door handles and locks and never ever have to text their friend to get them out after accidentally getting locked in the bathroom. They don’t need to have strangers at the bar dial their cell phone in order to locate it and they certainly never find said ringing cellphone on the floor in a puddle of honey mustard, dust, and hair.
Last night I had the opportunity to observe a bevy of majestic normies in their natural habitat and I wanted to scream at them several times but didn’t in fear of spooking them. Some things I wanted to say:
- CHUG GOD DAMN IT! CHUG THAT FUCKING BEER! CHUG YOU ASSHOLE!
- Um, excuse me ma’am. Sorry to bother you. Hi, I’m gay. Don’t worry. I’m not hitting on you. But do you know how low the alcohol content is in Bud Light? Might I suggest a lovely Six Point Resin? Or perhaps a gallon of whiskey? Hmm? I’ll pay.
- Wait. What? He’s leaving? No. NO. He just closed his tab? Oh my God. I can’t believe this is happening right now. He’s putting on his jacket. BUT HE HAS HALF A BEER LEFT!!! HE’S LEAVING HALF A BEER WITHOUT DRINKING IT. SIR! Excuse me! Yes, you sir. I’m talking to you. Finish your beer. I SAID FINISH YOUR BEER!!! KIDS IN CHINA HAVE NO BEER!!!
- Why is she drinking that water when there is still a nearly full and perfectly delicious cocktail sitting right next to her?
- Oh my God, that lady at the bar ordered FOOD??? WTF?
- Sorry to bother you but the bartender who just served your drink went really skimpy with his pour. You might want to start ordering doubles. YOU’RE WELCOME!
- Hey, girl. How’s it going? You realize there is only three more minutes of Happy Hour, right? HURRRRRRRY THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!
- Oh shit. She ordered the Malbec at 8 dollars a glass. So stupid. She could be at home with two bottles of Yellowtail for that price.
Normal drinkers! Bless their hearts.