I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately about my wedding day and how I’m possibly going to get through that whole day/night and honeymoon without having a single drop of alcohol. It seems impossible. It’s really freaking me the fuck out. What makes this whole thing especially bizarre is the fact that I’m not even engaged and there is no wedding scheduled. I look at the boyfriend and think, “Hm. We’re probably, most likely, going to get married eventually.” That thought alone makes me anxious but then I start playing through our wedding in my head. Surely I will need a drink as I’m getting dressed and prepared to be delivered to the church. I don’t know who would deliver me to the church and I say church but I honestly don’t know where gay people go to get married so church is just a placeholder here. Maybe we get married at Disneyland. That’s pretty gay. I don’t know. The point is, I’ll need to be pretty smashed to be able to stand up in a penguin costume and waddle down the aisle with hundreds of people staring at me like I’m the bearded lady. Well, maybe not hundreds. Maybe like 40-50 because mama ain’t rich. I’m referring to myself as mama here, BTW. And let’s say I can make it through the ceremony without being shittyfaced. Fine. But what about the reception?? What about when all of those assholes raise a glass and say something awful and embarrassing about me while pretending it comes from a place of love? “I remember when you used to put on mom’s dress and pretend you were Maude. You were such a little freak. NOW DRINK, FREAK. DRINK!!!” Surely such an uncomfortable situation requires a bit of lubrication, right? And what about when the boyfriend turns into a monster and violently smashes a piece of wedding cake in my face as cameras flash and people laugh and the cake goes up my nostril and makes me choke? That’s supposed to be funny and cute but how in the world am I not going to get pissed off at him for acting so fucking childish if I’m not drunk? Obviously a bottle or two of champagne would turn such a weirdo tradition into FUN FUN FUN. And if I’m sober, I guarantee you I’m going to have choice words for the douchebags that decide it’s totes adorable to throw rice at my face as I run to the car. And I really am not going to be happy with the person who chooses to tie aluminum cans to the back of my vehicle. Feeling like you’re being chased by a maniacal tin man is OH SO ROMANTIC, right??
Although I’m not tying the knot anytime soon, these are the things my mind does when not focused on today. The present. I remind myself that this is all about incremental progress. Get through today without drinking. Then eventually get through a few dinners with friends without drinking. And so on and so forth until life without alcohol is just as enjoyable. Even more enjoyable, maybe. So I’ve heard. So I hope.
I was looking at the boyfriend and I thought to myself, “Oh my God. I told you I’m an alcoholic. I can never drink in front of you again.” Whoa. As if there was a possibility that I could drink again as long as it wasn’t in front of him? Big problem there. I corrected my thinking. “I can never drink again. I mean, I can. But I won’t. Because it will kill me. And I want to be alive.” The idea that I momentarily viewed my boyfriend as a roadblock to being able to drink again really freaked me out. Then I started thinking weird things like, “Ok. But what if I decided I AM going to drink again. What will I tell him? How will I convince him that I’m not an alcoholic after all so he won’t get mad at me??” Oh boy. NO. STOP. And the really crazy thing about all of these thoughts is that I DON’T WANT TO DRINK. I really, truly don’t. I have no desire to go back. But the moment I stop living in the present and start living in the future, my entire groove gets FUCKED. Like royally fucked. And I start seeing the future as miserable and void of fun and enjoyment. And that makes my present go from bright to dismal in the blink of an eye.
And so the goal is and has always been.. TODAY. That’s it. TODAY. NOW. THIS MOMENT.
Easier said than done, I know.
On the way home from work last night, I was totally in the present. I was mentally fantastic, inspired, and calm. Then I got a text that one of my friends had swung by the house to talk with one of my roommates. They would most likely be there when I got home. I went from being in the moment to living in the very near future. Just being fast forwarded TEN MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE totally disrupted my thought process. I started playing it through in my head. I’m going to get home and he’s going to be there and we’ll have to talk. I haven’t talked to this friend since I got sober. I’m worried I don’t know what to say. I’m worried that I’ll seem awkward. That I’ll be uncomfortable. He’s going to be able to tell that something about me is different. He’ll wonder what’s wrong. He might have beers with him. He has on occasion brought beers with him as a friendly gesture and we would all crack one open while chatting and I would sneak away sometimes to down a shot or two because I always have to make sure I have had more alcohol than everyone else. Oh, God. Please don’t let him have beers with him. There is a bar on the way home. If I just stop and have a beer really quick, I’ll seem normal. I won’t be uncomfortable. That’s all it will take.
STOP. What. The. Fuck? How did I mentally and emotionally digress so drastically over the past six years that the thought of mere small talk and chit chat with a friend became a horrifying thing that made me want to drink? But I didn’t drink, obviously. I got home and the friend already had left. And I think I would have been fine and after a few moments I would have realized that my fears were irrational and everything would be okay. But it’s absolutely astounding that something so mundane can suddenly wreak havoc on my brain.
Sometimes you’re forced to think about the future. A friend’s birthday party is coming up. The holidays are about to arrive. There are circumstances that bring us out of the now and into the tomorrow. We can either panic… or we can plan. We can either recoil in fear… or reassess. But there is absolutely no sense in imagining situations that have not and may not even happen.
I really need to stop trying on wedding dresses before I’ve been proposed to. It’s absolutely no good for anyone.