GOING TO THE CHAPEL AND WE’RE GONNA’ GET DRUNK?

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately about my wedding day and how I’m possibly going to get through that whole day/night and honeymoon without having a single drop of alcohol. It seems impossible. It’s really freaking me the fuck out. What makes this whole thing especially bizarre is the fact that I’m not even engaged and there is no wedding scheduled. I look at the boyfriend and think, “Hm. We’re probably, most likely, going to get married eventually.” That thought alone makes me anxious but then I start playing through our wedding in my head. Surely I will need a drink as I’m getting dressed and prepared to be delivered to the church. I don’t know who would deliver me to the church and I say church but I honestly don’t know where gay people go to get married so church is just a placeholder here. Maybe we get married at Disneyland. That’s pretty gay. I don’t know. The point is, I’ll need to be pretty smashed to be able to stand up in a penguin costume and waddle down the aisle with hundreds of people staring at me like I’m the bearded lady. Well, maybe not hundreds. Maybe like 40-50 because mama ain’t rich. I’m referring to myself as mama here, BTW. And let’s say I can make it through the ceremony without being shittyfaced. Fine. But what about the reception?? What about when all of those assholes raise a glass and say something awful and embarrassing about me while pretending it comes from a place of love? “I remember when you used to put on mom’s dress and pretend you were Maude. You were such a little freak. NOW DRINK, FREAK. DRINK!!!” Surely such an uncomfortable situation requires a bit of lubrication, right? And what about when the boyfriend turns into a monster and violently smashes a piece of wedding cake in my face as cameras flash and people laugh and the cake goes up my nostril and makes me choke? That’s supposed to be funny and cute but how in the world am I not going to get pissed off at him for acting so fucking childish if I’m not drunk? Obviously a bottle or two of champagne would turn such a weirdo tradition into FUN FUN FUN. And if I’m sober, I guarantee you I’m going to have choice words for the douchebags that decide it’s totes adorable to throw rice at my face as I run to the car. And I really am not going to be happy with the person who chooses to tie aluminum cans to the back of my vehicle. Feeling like you’re being chased by a maniacal tin man is OH SO ROMANTIC, right??

Although I’m not tying the knot anytime soon, these are the things my mind does when not focused on today. The present. I remind myself that this is all about incremental progress. Get through today without drinking. Then eventually get through a few dinners with friends without drinking. And so on and so forth until life without alcohol is just as enjoyable. Even more enjoyable, maybe. So I’ve heard. So I hope.

I was looking at the boyfriend and I thought to myself, “Oh my God. I told you I’m an alcoholic. I can never drink in front of you again.” Whoa. As if there was a possibility that I could drink again as long as it wasn’t in front of him? Big problem there. I corrected my thinking. “I can never drink again. I mean, I can. But I won’t. Because it will kill me. And I want to be alive.” The idea that I momentarily viewed my boyfriend as a roadblock to being able to drink again really freaked me out. Then I started thinking weird things like, “Ok. But what if I decided I AM going to drink again. What will I tell him? How will I convince him that I’m not an alcoholic after all so he won’t get mad at me??” Oh boy. NO. STOP. And the really crazy thing about all of these thoughts is that I DON’T WANT TO DRINK. I really, truly don’t. I have no desire to go back. But the moment I stop living in the present and start living in the future, my entire groove gets FUCKED. Like royally fucked. And I start seeing the future as miserable and void of fun and enjoyment. And that makes my present go from bright to dismal in the blink of an eye.

And so the goal is and has always been.. TODAY. That’s it. TODAY. NOW. THIS MOMENT.

Easier said than done, I know.

On the way home from work last night, I was totally in the present. I was mentally fantastic, inspired, and calm. Then I got a text that one of my friends had swung by the house to talk with one of my roommates. They would most likely be there when I got home. I went from being in the moment to living in the very near future. Just being fast forwarded TEN MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE totally disrupted my thought process. I started playing it through in my head. I’m going to get home and he’s going to be there and we’ll have to talk. I haven’t talked to this friend since I got sober. I’m worried I don’t know what to say. I’m worried that I’ll seem awkward. That I’ll be uncomfortable. He’s going to be able to tell that something about me is different. He’ll wonder what’s wrong. He might have beers with him. He has on occasion brought beers with him as a friendly gesture and we would all crack one open while chatting and I would sneak away sometimes to down a shot or two because I always have to make sure I have had more alcohol than everyone else. Oh, God. Please don’t let him have beers with him. There is a bar on the way home. If I just stop and have a beer really quick, I’ll seem normal. I won’t be uncomfortable. That’s all it will take.

STOP. What. The. Fuck? How did I mentally and emotionally digress so drastically over the past six years that the thought of mere small talk and chit chat with a friend became a horrifying thing that made me want to drink? But I didn’t drink, obviously. I got home and the friend already had left. And I think I would have been fine and after a few moments I would have realized that my fears were irrational and everything would be okay. But it’s absolutely astounding that something so mundane can suddenly wreak havoc on my brain.

Sometimes you’re forced to think about the future. A friend’s birthday party is coming up. The holidays are about to arrive. There are circumstances that bring us out of the now and into the tomorrow. We can either panic… or we can plan. We can either recoil in fear… or reassess. But there is absolutely no sense in imagining situations that have not and may not even happen.

I really need to stop trying on wedding dresses before I’ve been proposed to. It’s absolutely no good for anyone.

16 comments

  1. Another great post.
    It’s not the future that’s a problem, it’s the one million scenarios we self create and then freak out over.

    Yes, staying in the present is the answer!

  2. Great post! This really hit home for me. I am only on Day 9, but I am trying to just focus on “today” every day. If I obsess about the future – Memorial Day Weekend, girls night out, summer vacations, my birthday, the holidays – I will not be able to do this. I need to take one day at a time. That is how I came up with viatoday. “Via” to me means “on my way” – I am on my way today. Your blog has helped me so much every day since 5/12/14. Thanks for writing/sharing!

    1. Congrats on Day 9! Don’t say ONLY Day 9. That’s huge. Any day we can make it without drinking is huge. I’m so glad you’re getting something from my crazy talk. Ha. Love your blog name. If you ever open it up so it isn’t private, let me know!

      1. Thanks 6yearhangover. You have motivated me so much! Your writing with humor and honesty is something I look forward to now. I love Unpickled, Mrs. D, and Belle’s blog too. I am reading them all in order and it is great for me to think about where I can be years from now. But it is really so helpful to read someone who is going through this currently, and your writing is amazing! I am writing a bit here and there but have kept the blog private for now. If I ever open it up you will be the first to know – but be prepared to fall asleep – as it is pretty sparse and boring! 🙂

  3. Its like you’re in my head! —— “STOP. What. The. Fuck? How did I mentally and emotionally digress so drastically over the past six years that the thought of mere small talk and chit chat with a friend became a horrifying thing that made me want to drink?”

    Yeah, why does any social event make us to want to drink? I was talking to finacé about this and he says its because he wants to be super funny, charming, smart, guy all the time. Like God forbid if he weren’t “on” at all times. That’s a lot of pressure. I think we are scared to be ordinary, although there is nothing wrong with being ordinary. Ordinary is good, ordinary is fine, ordinary is what allows us to accomplish other things. Maybe we are scared we won’t be enough.

    1. Exactly. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Like what is the worst thing that’s going to happen? I’m going to be not very talkative and maybe appear shy? Babies will not die.

  4. As they say in AA, we alcoholics like to make mountains out of molehills. It is true. I made dinner reservations for Friday night, and immediately started with the bullshit in my head. I am trying to let stuff go. So, I will worry about all that on Friday! 🙂

  5. I have my actual real life gay wedding coming in september and have been having all these actual thoughts looming. How will it be a proper “getting ready for big moment with white dress” photo op if the requisite glass of champange is no where to be seen?! And the bachelorette party, the bachelorette party!! Will the strippers know I’m sober?? How will I sit through my drunk sisters’ speeches with being properly lubricated?? Deep breaths. Time to plan not panic, right? I’m 5 days sober.

    1. You’ll do it! We’ll do it! To quote someone who just said this today, “We aren’t drinking today. Not even if our butt falls off.” Congrats on 5 days AND congrats on the impending celebration of your love! And I’d like to think if it were going to happen to me, I’d very much want to remember it and NOT pee on the cake by mistake.

      1. Not even if my butt falls off! I prolly should be more concerned abou this impending holiday weekend that I will be spending in a house full of people who will most certainly be drinking. On other note. Nice to see another NYC queer getting sober.

  6. Wow! What a wonderful post. You’ve inspired me to blow the dust off my Ekhart Tolle ‘Power of Now’ audio book. I’m madly jealous of your insightfulness 6. Stay well (and sober!). Sarah

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