OH MY GOD HURRY UP AND POOP GODDAMNIT! POOOOOP!
I was standing on the streets of New York this morning dressed basically in my underwear while screaming in English at a Chihuahua who refused to make caca. Obviously he doesn’t understand me. All he knows is that I’m acting crazy and making matters worse. And even if he did speak a human language, certainly it would be Spanish, right?
AYE DIOS MIO DE IR REPIDO Y CACA! CACAAAA! (Thanks, Google translate)
Unsuccessful in our efforts, both doggy and daddy went back inside. I proceeded to very quickly get ready in a huff as our morning non-poop walk lasted much longer than anticipated and I was going to be late for work. And I was really pissed off about it. In addition to being late, this also meant Mr. Chihuahua would probably poop in the house and I’d have a mess/smell to face when I got home. What a fucking rude puppy, he was. No consideration. I feed him, bathe him, and sing and dance like a moron for his pure enjoyment/terror. And this is the thanks I get?!
STOP. Stop it. Listen to yourself. So stupid. This is not a big deal. He’s a dog. Nothing bad is going to happen as a result of a minor delay. You are overreacting. You haven’t had your coffee. This is a normal bump in the road.
And it was. But in the mind of a recovering alcoholic in early sobriety like myself, that’s all it took to set off a chain reaction of emotional responses that snowballed quickly to form a terrible case of the Mondays. And those terrible cases of the Mondays (and Tues-Sundays) are what drove me to drink in the past. I know today that I will NOT drink as a result of this less than palatable day because I don’t want to and a crappy day is nothing compared to a crappy lifetime of death and destruction. I feel fucking stupid even calling it a crappy day because NOTHING of significance happened. I didn’t lose an eye. No one died. My butt didn’t fall off. So why do my emotions say otherwise? PAWS, maybe. Low blood sugar, possibly. There are plenty of reasons I can reach for but none of them make it make any more sense. How the fuck can we change our responses to things that seem to swoop in so suddenly and flip us over on our backs? I honestly don’t know. In the near past, I would do a lot of self-talk and try very deliberately to change my thought process by telling myself to STOP IT. And I did that this morning. But it seemed like the threads of negativity already reached out and tainted my entire day. Like I didn’t catch it in time to keep it from spreading even though I responded almost instantly by trying to talk myself down. And I’m still feeling the effects of it although I have managed to relax a bit and get back to a place where I can at least process and deal with the stupidity that was my morning. I’m writing this post, aren’t I? And an hour ago, the thought of blogging seemed so pointless. But I know it’s not. I know that this crappy heaviness will pass if I connect, do the work, and get honest with myself.
For the most part, I’ve been really happy. Monday normally doesn’t come along with all of this weirdo garbage. So I started thinking about how this weekend was different than most to try to identify what might have caused this faulty start to my week. And the only conclusion that I can come to is that I was REALLY busy this weekend with obligations, chores, etc. They were all things I said YES to. But I knew it was more than I have been taking on over the past 70 days. I didn’t feel like I was overextending myself when I scheduled certain things but apparently I maybe did? So I guess I back it up again and start being more cautious and keeping things a little more simple for now. I got through it with the help of my boyfriend who offered to pitch in with certain things to alleviate some pressure and to allow me to make sure I got to my meeting yesterday. And I took some time to do some things that weren’t on the agenda like a walk through Central Park to get some air and sun. I found myself rushing my time there because of all of the other things that I needed to do. It made it difficult to enjoy fully but the effort was there and I made myself stay longer than the responsible overzealous me wanted to.
Wow, this is a rambly all over the place post. I guess it really mirrors where my head is at. I will be FINE but I’ve learned that I need to say no sometimes even when I think I am capable of saying yes. Just for my own protection. I need to ask for help instead of waiting for someone to offer it at the last minute (if at all). I need to figure out why Mr. Chihuahua is being so stubborn with his poopy. I need for Monday to be over so I can give Tuesday a try but because there is no fast forward button, I’m just going sit in this and breathe deeply. The cartoon bluebirds will come again and sing the songs of my joy as they flutter around my head. Today I got the crows. OH WELL.
Trying to think of a funny ending to this post and I’m drawing a blank so let me just say: DONKEYFART.