Happy 4th! Celebrate, claim, or reclaim your independence from the grips of addiction! *shooting stars*

If you’re feeling lonely or thinking to yourself, “I’M THE ONLY GODDAMNED LOSER STUPID PERSON IN AMERICA NOT DRUNK TODAY,” just know that it isn’t true. I’m not drunk! Sober here right along with you. Excited to have a nice holiday this year that doesn’t involve puking on my friend’s new wig.

Also, make sure you don’t fucking eat these ass cookies!! They are made of dying and misery! Resist.



  1. Are they really ass cookies or are you just hogging them all for yourself?!

    Happy 4th to you too! Love being sober on this sunny lovely day.


  2. I’m sober too, woot woot!! Watermelon Oreos haven’t made their way to my part of the country, which I think I feel ok about. Who the hell thinks these things up?! Just finished some Turtle Pie and will properly go for a bike ride after it cools down. Happy sweaty sober 4th of July!

      1. Lol, not like Ninja Turtle turtle. Like caramel and chocolate candy turtle. Marie Callender, over by the ice cream šŸ™‚

  3. Watermelon is disgusting enough in it’s natural form why would anyone think putting it in a cookie is a good idea? Sober here too! First one in a long time!

  4. I didn’t drink! It’s 11:46! Are they truly as ass-y as you say??? Now, I feel like I have to try them???

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