SHIT I’VE SAID OVER THE PAST 90 DAYS

With 90 days of sobriety under my belt, I thought a “best of” was in order here mainly as an exercise for myself to see how things have progressed. Did you know that my sense of humor didn’t start coming back until around Day 20?! I was a depressing goon at the beginning. 
 
DAY 7-
 
It has been one week since my last drink. I haven’t sought help other than opening up to my thus far supportive partner. I haven’t gone to meetings. I’ve only been able to find the courage to read blogs, articles, and message boards online. I’m hanging on by a thread and know that I need to start doing the work again. Did I mention I’ve done this before? I don’t have the energy to tell you about last time because I’m too busy dealing with this time. Maybe later. I hope there are some readers to be had out there. I could use the encouragement.
 
DAY 8-
 
I had a brief anxiety attack when I thought about my wedding day and not being able to drink to celebrate. I’m not even engaged and there is no wedding coming anytime soon.
 
DAY 9-
 
Lastly, I really wish I felt rested. I went to bed at 10:30PM last night and woke up at 7AM. That’s more than 8 hours of sleep but still it was a major struggle to get out of bed. I don’t feel rested at all, ever. This past weekend, I had to force myself to get up by 10AM so as not to miss my day. If I allowed it, I’m certain I could have slept for several hours more and still would not have felt rejuvenated. Hoping the B vitamin supplements, healthy diet, and exercise will slowly correct this. I honestly felt less sleepy in the morning when I was drinking. Granted, I felt AWFUL in every single other way imaginable, but I don’t recall feeling like I was going to fall asleep at my desk.
 
DAY 10
 
10 days in and here is where I’m at: I don’t want to drink. At all. Which is great. But I don’t want to do the things that need doing unless I can have a drink. But I don’t want a drink. So either I a.) don’t do the things that need doing or I b.) do the things that need doing anyway or I c.) drink and then do the things that need doing. None of these seem like options I’d like to choose and there is no d.) None of the above, to pick instead.
 
DAY 15
 
So far, the moments of being UP are short lived and are typically followed by extended periods of lethargy, boredom, and strange discombobulation. I was walking to laundry yesterday and I could logically acknowledge the fact that it was a nice day. It was as if I was registering the fact that the weather was good as some strange robot who is programmed to know that something is pretty but doesn’t have an emotional response to it. It felt as if I was looking at the lovely day through some lens that made it also appear fake. I often have the sensation that I am dreaming or not actively participating in my life. And then moments later I can find myself suddenly extremely present and happy for no reason. Thankfully, my moods alternate between joy and indifference but I have yet to become sad or depressed. I can deal with even keel and happy just fine. I’ll take it. Indifference is better than the despair and angst I was feeling before.
 
DAY 18
 

First, I think I waited too long to eat at work and hunger and perhaps low blood sugar really made everything seem infinitely worse than it was. Second, I didn’t do what I normally do at work when feeling stressed which is to pause and take a few minutes to touch base online with some people on the blogs and forums. That always grounds me and brings me back. Third, I still haven’t found meetings to attend so all of my support is virtual and I KNOW this isn’t going to fly long term. If I had finally bitten the bullet and found some places to go, I could have stopped on the way home from work which probably would have made my night less chaotic.

So while I made a lot of mistakes, I did two huge things that were right. 1.) I recognized the insanity as insanity and am learning from it and 2.) I didn’t get drunk.

I can always do better but even my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.

DAY 22

I have stumbled down the street totally wasted before to receive a 60 minute Chinese Gongfu Tui-na massage. I have had Chinese women walking on my back while I was totally drunk. I’m not sure this is necessarily a bad thing but I list it here because it is fucking WEIRD. Who gets a deep tissue massage while drunk at 10PM at night?? I do. I am SO RELIEVED that I don’t have to do those crazy things anymore.

DAY 23

Oddly, even though my main fear was being drunk in front of my Oprah Mother, my first instinct was to scour the Oprah Mom’s house for more alcohol. I found a bottle of peach vodka and picked it up and Momprah started to come back into the house and I quickly hid the bottle and told her that the dog needed a longer walk than that. Duh.

DAY 24

Wow, I poop at the same time every single day now! It’s amazing!

DAY 25

Oh, how I envy normal drinkers. You know which assholes I’m talking about. They stand at the bars channeling the Dowager Countess of Grantham and savor their drink like it’s made of diamonds and is the last one in the entire world. They look fabulously put together and laugh politely and with such sophistication making sure to never show too much teeth and certainly never lose their balance while doing so. They don’t tell the bartender all about their former boyfriend’s crooked penis and their terrible bout of constipation that just won’t let up no matter how much fiber they eat.

DAY 26

Dear Vodka-

Hey, girl. How the fuck are you? Still chilling with those cool cats Cranberry and Soda? Yeah, I bet you are. I’ve been thinking a lot about you over the past 26 days. I won’t take up too much of your time because I know you are super busy getting all dirty with olives in martinis and growing hair on the chests of teenage Russian men worldwide.

DAY 29

About an hour later, I was sitting half naked in a dressing room crying. Nothing fit. I felt very insecure and disgusted with myself physically. I put my headphones in and listened to music. I sat in that dressing room doing nothing for about twenty minutes. I figured if the store had a problem with it, they’d knock. No one did. This four hour process yielded ONE FUCKING PAIR OF PANTS. And one more day sober. And that’s okay. That’s enough. 

DAY 30

I went to bed last night after learning that People Magazine had just named me the world’s most gloomy and self-deprecating asshole. As a very serendipitously planned treat for my 30 days, I am attending a Lady Gaga concert tonight at Madison Square Garden! Us gay guys have to do a certain number of stereotypically gay things each year if we want to keep our homosexual card. I’m already getting a lot of flack from the gay mafia about my beard and masculine sounding voice so I felt the need to comply and go do some queer dancing tonight. I am scared shitless because I’ll be sober.

DAY 31

I feel inspired and victorious. I feel like celebrating. And because a flute of sparkling wine is the first thing that popped into my head when I just typed the word ‘celebrating’, I know that there is more work to be done.  

DAY 32

I’m terrified of another relapse. Because it can happen to anyone caught off guard. I don’t intend for it to and I plan on doing everything in my power to prevent it. But there is always the possibility and no one is immune to it and that thought has to be one of the most frightening things imaginable.

I’m terrified that after I hit ‘publish’ on this post and immortalize my thoughts forever on the internet, years could go by and someone like you might find this blog and read these words and wonder why the posts just stopped again on another typical day in October.

DAY 33

So let me get this straight. You want me to sit here, take bites of food and chew it up and swallow it all while doing absolutely nothing else but looking at those people on the screen? Are you insane? You want me to pay attention to what they are doing and saying? That’s it?! That’s all we are doing with our night?! Don’t you want to talk about stupid shit every 10 seconds until the credits are rolling and we realize that we have no idea what Matt Damon was trying to do this entire time and why The White House blew up? Don’t you want to accidentally rent that movie with Kate Winslet FIVE TIMES because we can’t remember what we have and haven’t seen? Don’t you want to put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and then find it still sitting in there the next day untouched because in the span of 3.5 minutes we completely forgot about it? Don’t you want to do all of that fun stuff instead of just sitting here chewing and watching???

Here’s a secret: If you chew and watch movies like normal people several times, it starts to feel normal again.

DAY 37

Okay, what exactly the FUCK is wrong with this boiled egg?! It seems like a perfectly normal egg from the outside. You know the type of egg I’m talking about: White, shaped like an egg, acting all egg-like. That kind. So it should be peeling like a normal mother fucking egg. But it isn’t peeling like a normal mother fucking egg and this minor inconvenience is somehow completely destroying my life right now

DAY 38

Sometimes you’re forced to think about the future. A friend’s birthday party is coming up. The holidays are about to arrive. There are circumstances that bring us out of the now and into the tomorrow. We can either panic… or we can plan. We can either recoil in fear… or reassess. But there is absolutely no sense in imagining situations that have not and may not even happen.

DAY 39

MUST DRINK MORE VODKA! TWO NOT ENOUGH VODKA FOR ME, STUPID!!! NEED FOUR VODKA OR FIVE VODKA. SIX VODKA IS GOOD FOR ME BUT NOT TWO VODKA!!!!!!!!! I DIE IF ONLY HAVE TWO VODKA!!!!!!!!

DAY 40

I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THINGS. Not around. Not over. Not under. THROUGH.

DAY 44

So here’s the thing: I may feel awful today and I may want to crawl into a hole and fall asleep and never come out, but it is this very feeling that should be my motivation to stay sober. Drinking for so long made me feel like THIS. It was alcoholism that brought me to a point physically where normal human existence is HARD. And that’s really fucked up. 

DAY 45

This is evidence that even though it might feel like it, it’s not always the end of the world and I have to make a lot of effort to remind myself of that. I might wake up with a migraine and drag myself around all day crying but IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. I might find myself forgetting how to do my job or get overwhelmed by things that were once simple but IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. I might look up at the sky and see a giant asteroid heading towards me on fire just moments away from impacting the Earth and IT’S NOT. Well… Shit, girl. That’s probably the end of the world so go on and panic about that one right there.

DAY 47

I’m proud of the work I’ve done so far. I feel good about it. So good in fact that I almost tell friends things like, “No PAWS symptoms all week, Linda! HIGH FIVE, SUGARMAMA!” Then I bite my tongue. Linda doesn’t even know about me and my problem yet. Also, I don’t actually have a friend named Linda so everyone stop picturing Linda in your head. It’s a waste of time.

DAY 50

Because being sober IS sexy and amazing. You know what’s not sexy? Hitting on someone at the bar and instead of saying, “HI MY NAME IS CRYSTAL,” you say, “HIZNAMEZRISTOL.” Being YOU is sexy. And when I say sexy, I’m not just talking about the GET IN MY BEDROOM NOW AND PUT ON THIS PONY SADDLE kind of sexy. I’m talking about being enigmatic, present, and there to live and love life with your fellow human beings.

DAY 52

So what was I really saying by trying to get sober in secret? FOR ME, I was saying, “I don’t want to drink anymore. And I’m not going to. But I might want to and I need to protect myself from that person in case I do want to pick up again.”

DAY 54

YOU ARE 32 YEARS OLD. YOU ARE TALENTED. YOU ARE NOT ON ANYONE ELSE’S CLOCK. THERE IS NO RULE BOOK THAT SAYS YOU MUST HAVE ACCOMPLISHED X, Y, Z BY A CERTAIN AGE. YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER BY THE HOUR. BY THE DAY. IF YOU STAY SOBER, ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS CAN COME TRUE.

DAY 57

THEN THE BITCH STARTED OPENING ANOTHER GODDAMNED DELI SANDWICH. 

DAY 59

Q: How will I ever walk onto an airplane again without having a cocktail first?

A: With your feet, bitch. Shoot.

Q: How will I ever talk to people at an event without being drunk?

A: Use the hole where you put the food, okay? It also makes noises.

Q: What about when I go to Paris? How will I go to Paris and not drink?

A: Girl, please. You can’t afford Paris.

60 DAYS

Sick in bed with the flu but thought I’d post this to mark the progress. The old me would probably have poured a drink by now. Instead, I’ve opted to just be normal people miserable. It feels 1000 times better. XO

DAY 64 

AND THIS JUST IN FROM QUEENS. A SLIGHTLY CHUBBY BUT DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME MAN, PICTURED HERE, JUST FINISHED GOING TWO MONTHS WITHOUT PUTTING A SINGLE DROP OF VODKA INTO HIS MOUTH. AMAZINGLY, HE ONLY DRANK WATER, SELTZER, AND THE OCCASIONAL CUP OF COFFEE. EYE WITNESSES SAY IT WAS SIMPLY UNBELIEVABLE AND THAT HE HASN’T PUKED ON ANY OF HIS FRIEND’S HAIR IN A FULL TWO MONTHS!

DAY 67

At least 2-3 times a day, I’ll be doing something rather mundane like reading a book or watching TV or ballroom dancing with my Chihuahua… and I’ll suddenly stop and think OH, WOW. I’M NOT DRUNK. I DON’T DRINK.

That’s an amazing thing to be able to say.

I don’t drink.

I don’t drink.

I don’t drink.

Today.

DAY 71

DONKEYFART.

DAY 73

YOU GUYS I’M MAKING LASAGNA AND I’M NOT GOING TO THROW UP ON IT! DO YOU LIKE MY APRON? *spin around* -or- GUESS WHAT?! I WATCHED A MOVIE LAST NIGHT AND I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER WHAT WAS EATING GILBERT GRAPE! BE PROUD OF ME! -or- I’M AT A GROCERY STORE SHOPPING AND I’M TALKING TO STRANGERS ABOUT HEIRLOOM TOMATOES, HUMIDITY, AND WENDY WILLIAMS! -or- I JUST POOPED NORMAL PEOPLE POOP! COME LOOK! IT’S SO CUTE!

DAY 74

I wanted to grab the old woman shuffling slowly down the street, put her on my shoulders, scream GLADYS, GUESS WHAT? I JUST FUCKING LAUGHED AND DRANK BLENDED FRUIT! I’M NOT DRUNK! I’M NOT DRUNK! and then drop her off at home and run off so fast that she would violently spin around like a cartoon from the high velocity of my departure. I wanted to run inside my house, grab my little puppy, spin him around and sing him a song about the joys of smoothies and good company. Okay, well THAT I actually did.

DAY 75

We got to the restaurant and of course our fucking table wasn’t ready. They suggested that we would have a lovely time waiting in the bar area. I really wanted to put my arms up and run out the door screaming ME GIANT ALCOHOLIC! ME CAN’T GO IN BAR! ME WILL DRINK ALL VODKA AND THEN STEAL POLICE OFFICER CAR AND DRIVE TO ATLANTIC CITY AND THROW UP ON PEOPLE’S SHOES! But I kept the sudden panic inside.

DAY 78

I can’t imagine ever going back to the continuous and nonstop nightmare I was trapped in before. I get panicked and teary eyed just thinking about the pain and suffering. The flowers and love and beauty are so much better. And even if this weekend sucked and slurped total ass, it still wouldn’t be as bad as where I was before.

DAY 86

Everything. Just. Got. BETTER. And no matter how bad I feel on any given morning, a brief OR elaborate rundown of what I am grateful for never fails to make me feel better. And because I am so very conscious of the amazing things that I have in my life, I find myself not at all wanting to drink. Because I know I will lose those things. And because I am constantly marveling at the new direction my life is taking, drinking just doesn’t seem like anything that I have any desire to do. I’m already having a great time! Insert a few poopy days here and there but for the most part, life is good. HARD. But good. Good BECAUSE it’s hard. And because I’m feeling it. And I’m taking it on.

DAY 88

The more I nurture and give to everything around me, the more beautiful it becomes and the more joy I receive. And I’m starting to realize that joy begets joy. It’s contagious in our own lives. Making one positive choice that results in a glimmer of happiness makes me want to do something else that’s positive.

DAY 91
 
That’s today. I love you all. This is just the beginning.

11 comments

  1. Fan-fucking tastic!!! Its truly amazing isn’t it??!!!! To see the progress on a daily basis & know that it got a thousand times better AFTER a good little time! Thats why I think its good to have a daily diary…u can actually FEEL the change coming on….good stuff my friend…good stuff

  2. I just love your writing. You crack me up! But most of all I appreciate your brutal honesty with yourself and your struggles with recovery and life overall. This synopsis of a post is especially helpful as I am able to see clearly that it slowly got better for you. I am on day 42 and am in a funk, so reading this timeline of sorts was especially helpful for me to see the BIG picture. Overall, my worst day STILL is far better than any day drunk. Much love! Xo

  3. Loved day 57 and that sandwich story. I cried real tears of joy that day.

    So grateful for your recap. I am on day 13 and feel like crap. I should be all detoxed and shiny, so why am I so depressed? Well, because it’s only day 13 Dumbass and Sundays have always been hard! Thanks for keeping it in prospective.
    XO,
    Traci

  4. Your humor & candor is such a treat! You are seriously my kind of girl! I love being able to enjoy the hilarity you wrap this most devastating disease in…it does not discount the seriousness of it in any way, but makes it tolerable, one day at a time…thank you!!

  5. I remember Day 8 had me in stitches. I often think with panic of my glittery, sober, wedding day where I will look like Grace Kelly and remain upright, coherent AND romantic throughout and I wonder how I will ever manage it without a tipple. Then I remember I am not even partnered, let alone engaged, heck I don’t even have good hair! But they are the little dreams I’m building my sobriety on.
    This one struck a chord. Thanks for the other 89 days of loud laughs too.

  6. Congrats on 90 days!! Me, just at mere – LONG 30 days and counting! Can’t wait until my 90 days. Love your blog and your honesty. It is helping me immensely at the mo. Thank you.

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