Hi Hi Hi

Not that I’m counting or anything (I AM counting OMG), but my lower jaw lands on the floor whenever I glance at a calendar and realize just how close I’ve come to being sober for an entire year. There is no day but today, one day at a time, yada yada yada, yeah, all true, fine whatever, shut the fuck up. I know. And I know that one year won’t mean that I’ve graduated. It won’t mean that it’s safe to drink again. It won’t mean that I’ve won at sobriety. This is not some fucked up game of Mario Brothers and no princesses are being saved from a giant dragon turtle thing as a result of me not pouring poison down my throat, but it’s pretty fucking cool nonetheless.

DON’T JINX IT says the little asshole voice in my head to which I say GIRL, PLEASE. Alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I’ve got 99 problems and booze is NOT about to become one of them. I woke up the other morning after a completely inappropriate heavy junk food eating session the night before. Oh. My. God. We had chips and dips and cheeses and crackers and ice cream and every single kind of bullshit under the sun. Well, so, I woke up and felt awful, destroyed, disgusting, HUNGOVER. It was crazy how closely the feelings mimicked being hungover. I actually thought OMG DID I SLEEPWALK AND THEN SLEEPDRINK? But it was just garbage in my body. And I thought how awful it would have been to also have had drinks along with it. Used to do it all the time without even thinking about it.

It wasn’t a hangover, exactly, and I was able to get up and get myself going, but I was reminded about where I’ve been and where I want to be. It was just enough shitty to make all of the old feelings come flooding back. I don’t want that EVER AGAIN. In fact, I don’t want the junk food hangover ever again. I’ve become so addicted to wanting to feel GOOD that I don’t eat that way hardly ever. As a result, I’ve been steadily dropping pounds. It’s like things are naturally shifting over to some more efficient way of existing and I really haven’t had to consciously make a ton of choices other than DON’T DRINK. No matter what. Even if my asshole explodes and an asteroid comes flying out of it and it hurts so bad that I want to die. DON’T DRINK. Just. Don’t. Be the anti-Nike. Just DON’T DO IT. Everything else starts falling into place with a little work and a lot of patience.

Hey, but things aren’t entirely great, you guys. I’m still wonky even after nearly 11 months. When they tell you it’s going to take a really long time for everything to even out, believe that. I woke up the other morning with absolutely nothing to do all day long other than 1.) Do the laundry and 2.) Maybe go buy some groceries. I lay in bed when I woke up and had so much fucking anxiety over that, it was unbelievable. HOW WILL I DO ALL OF THESE THINGS TODAY?! How will I do those TWO, COUNT THEM, TWO simple, mundane, easy things? It’s little shit like that that reminds me that, wait, okay, maybe we’re not totally OKAY yet. But I go easy on myself. I reminded myself that I could just wear dirty shirts if I really wanted to. I could just order take out food all week if I really wanted to. I could do whatever, whenever, and nothing terrible would happen. Barbara Walters will not drop dead if I don’t wash my panties. Relax. And so I did. I relaxed.

What I’m trying to say is that I think I’m still just as crazy as ever, but the difference is that now I don’t feel the need to hide the crazy or push it way down deep into a hole, drowning it with something temporary. I just act crazy, acknowledge, say WHOA THAT’S NOT COOL, and then work through it as best as I can to get less crazy. It’s getting easier and easier.

I really would love to update here more. I’m in the middle of writing a novel for kiddos and I’ve only accidentally said FUCK, like, twice. Such an adventure.

I hope anyone who still reads this is doing fabulously. I do genuinely wish everyone so much peace, love, and continued recovery. Still working on that balance thing and will be back here as often as I can without compromising my wellbeing.

XO

23 comments

  1. It took me 15 minutes to figure out why my user name showed up as “Go Away” and then I fixed it. Three months ago I would have said Fuck It after 15 seconds and just left it that way!
    Better days!!

  2. Thank you. I think about you and wonder how you’re doing and always get a vicarious success thrill when you post.

    Coming up on day 56 for me and it’s just so strange that something that so consumed my life now just doesn’t come up. It’s been demoted all the way to the basement where it sits somewhere between “I should probably get my teeth cleaned” and “why can’t I ever remember how to spell schaudenfraude” in terms of life importance. I’ll take it.

  3. I still have drinking dreams and as much as I hate them (that emotional hangover, waking up with that fear that it was real, etc.), i’m also grateful for them because they remind me how much I DON’T want to drink and how awful it would be if I did. Keep fighting the good fight–we’re all in this together.

  4. Seeing your post in my inbox is like getting a letter from an old friend and picking up just were we left off. I hope that doesn’t sound creepy. One of the coolest things for me in recovery is feeling a connection with a total stranger. We really are all bonded in our recovery. So happy for you and your hope and faith gives me hope and faith too. Stay well sober friend.

  5. Hi John. So happy you posted. Love feeling validated. You and me could be sistas! Haha. Seriously. Glad you are doing ok. I am coming up on 11 months. Remember we are neck and neck!
    Irish

  6. Well hells bells John I thought you flew the coop! I’m so very glad to see this tonight as I’m headed to bed. Still rockin the soberness & I wouldn’t give that up for anything!! Just love your wickedness & missed your humor…congrats on a whole year crazy man. 🙂

  7. Happy to hear you’re doing well John! I love that you are writing a novel. I finished my first novel a few months ago and am now in rewrites and edits. It’s been an awesome experience and I wish you well with super loads of success.

    I love what you said about just relaxing….doing nothing. I’ve struggled with that too. I’m still learning to “just be” and let things come to me. When I’m in that zone, it feels awesome but it’s not something that remains. It takes practice and reminding yourself just how far you’ve come. It’s so much easier as time passes to recognize those feelings in yourself and sit in them, then let them go. I used to self medicate with alcohol but now I let the feelings come in and pass through. I’m stronger as a result. It’s not always easy but it’s a hell of lot better than where I was.

    Take care of yourself. Be well.

  8. A year! Yipee! I too, am still overwhelmed by the mundane in life. I have to do what? Get dressed and go to the store? How will I manage it ALL? Oh yeah, I am sober, and don’t have to take a nap in 2 hours to get through to “time for drinks”!
    Life is better sober. Happy for you!

  9. Thanks for your update— I still credit you with keeping me sober. In September of last year, I was about 60 days sober, had been in the hospital twice, once with a pancreatic attack that put me in a coma, and my boyfriend of 7 years had just had enough, and left me. I was feeling SO low one weekend, and looking for blogs on staying sober, and I saw the words, “Six year hangover”. I sat there on Saturday day and night and read your blogs. I laughed, cried, and
    stayed sober. I felt like I had just met a new best friend over the internet. I have been sober since (8 months!!!!). Reading your blogs is so much better for me than going to any meeting, and I have read them over and over and over!!!!
    Thank you so much for your strength and humor, and for keeping this alky sober.
    Deb

  10. hi John, so great to read your update!! I love your posts—-every time I read one it makes me feel less alone on this crazy sobriety journey. I often feel the same way (anxious) with only a couple items on my to-do list. Plus, I crave junk food occasionally and also feel hung over the next day. I’m working on finding healthier ways to ease the anxiety. Recently, I took up very basic strength training with a trainer. I am not an exercise person at all—I usually despise it, but I started to feel nervous that a 45 yr-old woman shouldn’t be out of breath/sore from carrying in the groceries!! Anyway, it’s just 2 days a week for 30 min & it’s really helping with the anxiety and irritability I get way too frequently. I think I’m going to add one more day of it (without trainer) to get more benefits. Not sure if this may help you, but I can see a huge improvement in mood. So glad you are doing well, and best of luck to you. Have a fabulous day!!

  11. “Even if my asshole explodes and an asteroid comes flying out of it and it hurts so bad that I want to die.” I seriously just laughed out loud and everyone is looking at me funny. I LOVE your writing style and I cannot wait to dig deeper into your blog. 🙂

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