QUICKIE

Hey, how about a quickie? Hmm? I don’t know what has happened since returning from Cape Cod, but my day job has been INSANITY. Have you ever been working so hard and then you start to get really frustrated and agitated and can’t focus and you wonder WHY and then you realize that your bladder is about to burst and that you weren’t frustrated at all. YOU JUST HAD TO PISS BUT DIDN’T REALIZE IT BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SLAMMED? That’s how busy it has been.

I usually use the mornings at work to catch up with my gratitude group and to put together thoughts and posts here. Lately, it has been all systems go from the moment I step off the elevator. I’m frantically keeping notes about what I want to write about. For now, let me apologize that I haven’t replied to comments on the past few posts. I READ THEM ALL. But MY GOD you guys. I can’t even GO PEE. Hopefully this will all pass soon.

For now, read about this dream I had the other night. This is sort of cheating because it’s the text I posted to my gratitude group but I know they won’t mind and hope you don’t either.

Near relapse dream. First one in a LONG time. Grateful for it because my mind is fighting for my sobriety even when I’m not at the helm or in control of my thoughts or actions. That makes me feel amazing. I can’t believe it. It feels so good to know that all of my faculties are on board and that all of me is ready to surrender and fight. Not just the parts that I have control of. But it was terrifying. Here’s how it went down. Boyfriend and I went out to some restaurant to meet people we knew. It was the kind of restaurant where you have to walk up to a counter to order. First, we went to the table where everyone was at and they were drinking. I was overcome with dread. Like I knew I was going to relapse. We walked up to the counter and I told boyfriend to order a giant pitcher of sangria (WTF? I really don’t like it) and he said, “Are you sure?” and I said, “Yeah.” And he just agreed. I went back to the table to wait for him. I became absolutely terrified and started contemplating whether or not I would tell all of you or if I could just keep it a secret. I remember feeling utter dread and despair and sadness and I started crying and mourning the loss of my sobriety before I even took a drink. I got up from the table and started running to the counter where my boyfriend was going to order the sangria. In the dream, I knew that if I could stop him from ordering it then I wouldn’t relapse. I knew that if I didn’t get there in time and he had it, it was too late. I screamed across the crowded restaurant to forget it. I was fine. I didn’t want it. And he didn’t order it. We went back to the table without it and the friends dispersed and said they had a movie or something to go to and we were left alone.

3 comments

  1. I find sometimes that having a sober presence of sorts,(ie online blog, leading a sobriety group, etc) keeps me accountable to myself and others, even in my dreams. I don’t want to let myself, or anyone else down. Amazing that this feeling can permeate our subconscious as well as our waking hours. Thanks for posting this–now I know I’m not crazy for having “sobriety scare” dreams! Now go enjoy your pee!

  2. Please excuse my ignorance, which the good lord has given me in abundance. What is a gratitude group? I realise that the name gives a fair bit of it away but is it addiction, religious or work orienteered? I know that curiosity killed the cat but if I don’t ask you know the rest. Thanks a lot Tony C
    .

  3. OMG! I had one of these dreams last night. I woke up so sad. I was with a friend and they were drinking red wine, which I hate. However, my friend said to just take a sip and taste how delicious is was. I did!!! In my dream of course. And I was immediately filled with dread and regret and sadness. It was awful. I thought about how I just pissed away 97 days of sobriety for a sip of shitty red wine. I couldn’t believe myself. I was so disappointed.

    I snapped out of my dream and lay there completely consumed by sadness. Had it really happened? Was I back at day zero? Oh my God, I was devastated at the thought.

    I looked at my watch and it was 3am. I realized I had truly been dreaming, my sobriety was intact and I was ok. I took a deep breath and fell back asleep but it was so restless. I kept waking up and turning over and over. I didn’t want to have the dream again. It was like having a bad nightmare. The one where you are scared to sleep b/c you might have it again.

    I’m ok now, but man, that was weird. I’m still sober, just a little more tired than usual.

    I know how you feel though – it was so frightening.

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